Book Discussion: Crucial Conversations

It has been ten years since the publication of Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler, and unlike some leadership or business books that seem to be popular for a year or two, Crucial Conversations has real staying power. Perhaps this is due to the universal need for all of us to master the ability to hold difficult conversations; to talk honestly. The tenets and tools outlined throughout the book are useful to collegians and alumnae alike – in personal, professional and volunteer situations.

Crucial conversations are those where “(1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong” (p. 3). In Delta Zeta, examples of these conversations could include working through roommate issues, talking with a fellow Executive Board officer who has not been fulfilling her responsibilities or holding a planning meeting about your next philanthropy event where the co-chairs wish to go in very different directions.

The authors offer the following suggestions for approaching crucial conversations.

• Start With the Heart – what do you really want for yourself and others in this situation? Knowing and revisiting what you really want is crucial and should affect your behavior.
• Self-Monitor – as Socrates is often quoted, “Know Thyself”. Always be aware of how you are behaving and how that is affecting others. For example, do you often become quiet when presented with crucial conversations? Is your silence causing silence in others?
• Create Mutual Purpose and Respect – be sure to establish that those engaged in the conversation are working towards a common outcome of the dialogue and that you respect those participating in the conversation. Individuals must feel safe and respected to participate.
• Explore Other’s Paths – in other words, be sure to listen. Utilize the active listening skills that you have learned, being sure to mirror their actions and paraphrase what you are hearing for confirmation.

As we are approaching the beginning of the academic year, most likely we will all encounter one, if not many, crucial conversations. It is important to keep in mind that you most likely won’t master all of these skills in the heat of the moment, and that is ok. Simply “consider whether you could think a little more clearly during a few crucial conversations” (p. 91). Consider preparing ahead of time – what skills will help you the most? What technique will help you the most in your next conversation? How much time and practice are you willing to put in to become effective at holding dialogue?

For more suggestions, further details and example conversations, be sure to check out the book.


Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., and Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. McGraw-Hill: New York.